Hilarious.
Here is an excerpt from a post I wrote last year that fits this thread so well. It is from a report describing Ciudad del Carmen.
Well Beavis finally made it back and is anxious to report that very little has changed. Still looks the same, still smells the same (mud and urine), some of the same bums that have been there for 20 years are still hanging out in the same areas, the sidewalks are still a mixture of broken concrete and potholes covered with trash, Mexicans still look at the Americans like they want to kill them. Many of the same putas still stand on or around the same street corners except they have all gained weight and aged extensively in Beavisโes two and one half year absence. A few new ones to take the place of the ones that moved on or retired, but their appearance is normal for Mexican street whores. Beavis did manage to abstain from using the services of any of these freelance, relaxation providers. Plausibly, cockroaches and fleas could make a very comfortable residence in the presence of these ladies. The street girls are 3โs to 5โs at best and if you want anything better the only other choice is in one of the strip clubs.
If you decide to venture into one of the strip clubs upon entering any of these you will pay $5.00 for a beer and a waiter will be hovering like a vulture to bring you a girl to your table. She will be a 6 or 7, as the two 8โs will already be sitting with whatever clueless fool is eagerly buying them overpriced drinks. When this Puta, who is slightly better looking than any of the ones you just saw standing in the moonlight arrives at your table, "Juan", "Paco" or whatever his bar mesero name may be will be very happy to bring her a tiny glass of Sprite for a bargain price of $12.00. This beverage will of course be called champagne. When he returns with one beer and a 4 ounce glass of Champagne (Sprite) the idiot of the moment can then hand him a 200 peso bill (value 20 dollars) and, he will return with 3 ten peso coins, which naturally, you will be expected to leave as a tip. After you and your Puta have exchanged names and nothing further, this run of the mill, average looking hooker with her display of cheap dance clothes, and clown like make up will have slammed down the Sprite/Champagne and/or poured it out when you werenโt looking. She subsequently will be holding her glass up in the air. Paco will quickly see this like someone just fired a parachute flare in the bar, and will rapidly bring her another one, for an additional $12.00 of course. By now you will have spent $32.00, you have been there for about 6 minutes, you know that the Putaโs name is Alejandra, or Gabriella, or whatever alias name she goes by in the bar. You also know that she is 23 years old (though probably born at least 28 years ago) and she is working in the bar because her child is sick and she has no other option. She will tell you her kidโs father is dead although she probably doesnโt even know who the father is. He most likely was someone in your same situation a few years ago that also bought Sprite for her. Your beer will still be ice cold and you will have taken about 2 sips of it by now. If you were fortunate enough to have been sober upon entering this establishment, you will now have the luxury of realizing that the place is a total rip off, and that you are getting fucked, you will then chug your beer, cut your losses and get the hell out of there.
If you were not lucky enough to have entered the bar sober and you entered drunkโฆ..well, just stand by because you are about to really get fucked. You might believe that she actually is drinking champagne and that if you continue to buy her champagne she will fall in love with you, and you two will live happily ever after. By now you will probably be ready for another beer or perhaps something stronger. Donโt switch to Tequila or you might lose your house! Alejandra will now be starting to get turned on from the Champagne and suggest that you take her in the back to sample one of her very sexy private dances for an extremely affordable $15.00 per song. If you do this you will get to feel her young breasts (remember youโre drunk) and even touch her most private areas. The parts of her body that you are just imagining how much fun you are going to have with later. The song will quickly be over and you can return to your table to sit with this special lady, that you so much enjoy her company. By now she is tired of the Champagne and asks if you would buy her a bottle of wine because it last so much longer. The wine, which will be watered down grape juice, will be in small Booneโs Farm bottles for a bargain at $35.00 each. By now you might need some more money but donโt worry there is an ATM machine over in the corner of the bar or, if you so desire they do accept credit cards. Donโt worry each and every person that uses a credit card in a Mexican strip club is treated very fairly and absolutely nothing will be added to the card without your paramount approval?
At this point of the evening if you are actually onboard for this charade you might as well walk over to the bar, pull down your pants, bend over and spread your cheeks for all to have a turn. Unfortunately, this is seldom the case, most likely you canโt believe your good luck and are very happy to hear that this fine young lass will only charge you $150.00 to leave and go to your hotel room for 2 hours. This of course does not include the $50.00 bar fine that you must pay to take her out of the club. Donโt worry about the credit card just leave the tab open, as it will be there when you get back. You will also find it is quite easy on the wallet as the taxiโs only charge 10 dollars to drive you the 2 kilometers to your hotel. Man, things sure are cheap in Mexico! Remember the clock is running and it is now 11:30, you only have 2 hours so letโs get started. Naturally you donโt have any condoms so Alejandra will gladly walk down to the corner and buy some at the all night โFarmaciaโ just give her a little more money. It only takes her 30 minutes to walk the 20 meters and back because she had to call and check on her sick child. It is now midnight and so you must hurry because you only have 2 hours and remember you left the bar at 10:30.
After about 2 minutes of doubtful foreplay Alejandra finds enough life in your half drunken Johnson to unroll one of the condoms she just bought and then install it on the preferred organ. That is, the pack of condoms that she still has your $16.00 change she forgot to return to you. She climbs on lifelessly and moans a little just long enough to get you going then she jumps off, rolls onto her back, spreads her legs and say โDamelo Papiโ. This makes it easier for her to wheedle a quick release out of you. As soon as you are almost finished she starts her chant of โQue Rico, Damelo Papi, Que Verga Grande Tienes โ. Alejandra knows that nothing will make a gringo come faster than to tell him he has a big dick. By now you will have gotten your nut and you canโt believe how cheap things are in Mexico. You return to the club to find your same table there waiting for you. Astonishingly, all of the ice in your drink hasnโt melted in two whole hours. Upon returning you feel like a stud because Alejandra told you that you had a big dick. Maybe you should invite some of the other girls to come and sit with you so Alejandra can tell them what a great lover you are. That way when you come back you will have all of the ladies competing for you. Good idea, invite three and buy them each a drink. Itโs all on the credit card so donโt worry it wonโt cost that much. Later that night at 4:00 a.m., as you can barely see anything, except the battalion of empty wine and liquor bottles on the table Paco brings you your bill and your credit card back. It is dark inside the bar and you cannot see so you just sign your name and put the receipt in your pocket. You pull out all of the cash (about 10 dollars) you have left and give to Paco as a tip. You need to get back to your hotel but donโt have cab fare. Donโt worry, the bar owner will be happy to pay the 20 pesos to a cab to take you back to your hotel. He arranges you a cab compliments of the house while sporting a huge smile. You are thinking that he is a really admirable guy to do this.
The next morning you fly home with a terrible hangover and the only thing you remember was Alejandra telling you that you had a big dick. Your head is throbbing and you try to remember all of the events of the evening before. The credit card receipt in your pocket is unreadable but you are sure it couldnโt be over 100 dollars. Upon arrival at home the head feels a little better. You open a beer to ease the pain, you relax a little on the sofa and then you decide to call your credit card company and see how far off the 100-dollar guess was? Not far off at all โฆโฆyou only spent $543.00 U.S. dollars plus the 4000 pesos you had when you walked in there. A little over $900.00 but hey, Alejandra told you that you had a big dick!
(The above section is fiction but a variety of stories similar to this one happen each and every night in the strip clubs of Mexico. Beavis knows to stay out of them just for this reason. One guy recently entertained one of these very respectable ladies and he was surprised to find that while eating her pussy it had sort of a latex taste, his new nickname is โChupallantasโ this part is non-fiction.)