Tool descriptions

[owlbeback]

Here is a refresher course on handy, dandy
tools we need around the house.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane
part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning
pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on
older British cars and motorcycles, they are now
used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket
you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for
levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he
has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful
as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used
mainly for getting dog do-do off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten
times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off
in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the
tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large
pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning
booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab
the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away
and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by
someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war,
the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through
the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight,
which somehow eases those pains and indignities
following our every deficiency in foresight.

 

[summer222008]

very handly tools....... hmm...someone should start selling these.. ..lol