What England can Expect these days

[Henry Spencer]

> Subject: Nelson at Trafalgar
>
>
>>
>> Horatio Nelson at Trafalgar
>> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
>>
>> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
>>
>> Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated
to Flags. What's the meaning
>> of this?"
>>
>> Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
>>
>> Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects
every person to do his or her
>> duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual
orientation, religious
>> persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook
is this?"
>>
>> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir.
We're an equal opportunities
>> employer now. We had the devil's own job
getting
>> 'England' past the censors, lest it be
considered racist."
>>
>> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and
tobacco."
>>
>> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now
been designated smoke-free
>> working environments."
>>
>> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum
ration. Let us splice the
>> mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
>>
>> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished,
Admiral. Its part of the
>> Government's policy on binge drinking."
>>
>> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd
better get on with it. Full
>> speed ahead."
>>
>> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4
knot speed limit in this
>> stretch of water."
>>
>> Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the
greatest sea battle in
>> history. We must advance with all dispatch.
Report from the crow's
>> nest please."
>>
>> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
>>
>> Nelson: "What?"
>>
>> Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the
crow's nest, sir. No harness,
>> and they said that rope ladders don't meet
regulations. They
>> won't let anyone up there until a proper
scaffolding can be erected."
>>
>> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter
without delay, Hardy."
>>
>> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair
access to the fo'c'sle
>> Admiral."
>>
>> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard
anything so absurd."
>>
>> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have
to provide a barrier-free
>> environment for the differently abled."
>>
>> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm
and one eye and I refuse
>> even to hear mention of the word. I didn't
rise to the rank of
>> admiral by playing the disability card."
>>
>> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal
Navy is under represented in
>> the areas of visual impairment and limb
deficiency."
>>
>> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The
salt spray beckons."
>>
>>
>> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir.
Health and safety won't let
>> the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And
they don't want
>> anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't
you seen the adverts?"
>>
>> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break
out the cannon and tell the
>> men to stand by to engage the enemy."
>>
>> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about
shooting at anyone, Admiral."
>>
>> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
>>
>> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that
they're afraid of being
>> charged with murder if they actually kill
anyone. There's a couple of
>> legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone
like hawks."
>>
>> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies
and the Spanish?"
>>
>> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
>>
>> Nelson: "We're not?"
>>
>> Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish
are our European partners
>> now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy,
we shouldn't even be
>> in this stretch of water. We could get hit
with a claim for
>> compensation."
>>
>> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you
hate the devil."
>>
>> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity
co-ordinator hear you saying
>> that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary
report."
>>
>> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy,
who speaks ill of your
>> King."
>>
>> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be
inclusive in this multicultural
>> age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the
rules. It could save your
>> life"
>>
>> Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety.
Whatever happened to rum,
>> sodomy and the lash?"
>>
>> Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the
menu! And there's a ban on
>> corporal punishment."
>>
>> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
>>
>>
>> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
>>
>> Nelson: "In that
case............................... kiss me, Hardy
>>
>>

 

[goexguudihpibveer]

Brilliant - history could have been so much fun at school!