venting... (Stroke to Dementia in Fam. Member)

[dino hotchick]

hello all...i have a sad thing happening in my life right now...my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer 4 years ago and it spread to the brain..(he was a heavy smokeer) he had surgery and all was well, till he had radiation on the brain and chemo..soon he began to get dementia..just recently he suffered two small strokes which left him with severe dementia...now, i am the parent...they have put him in a nursing home and i have extreme saddness and guilt, i visit him every day and i leave crying when i tuck him in bed and leave and his eyes well up with tears.. but he has to have care, he wanders in the night etc..i dont know anything about nursing homes and dementia..all i know is i go and i let him know i love him (dont know how much he understands) he is so agitated..i bring him cookies and i try to tell funny old stories (he used to have the best sense of humor) sometimes he laughs and sometimes he gets angry..i also have been massaging his hands and arms and back..dont know if he likes it or not? i rub his head and kiss his face and tell him he's still my best friend..i was daddy's girl...i feel so bad cause i was so busy that i didnt see  him much the past few years..i didnt know he was to get dimentia and put in a nursing home..through all of this i have decided to seek further knowledge in massaging people who are older and like dad..(he's only 64 years old    I was supposed to have years left with dad..but i am trying to think positive right now.. i will be with him for as long as he is on this earth (and hopefully in the hereafter someday) I will continue to try to make him as comfortable as possible..does anyone have any experience with nursing homes or massage of the elderly or dementia? anything would be helpful..thank you.

 

[BetapegLLC]

venting...

When my Dad passed, I thought it would kill me, but he is with me now and supports me in everything I do.I *know* your Dad hears you, and feels you, and experiences you on every level. I know how hard it is to change from the role of child to parent, but it is worth every moment you have with him.Love him, tell him you love him, kiss him, touch him, hold him...He is in there and he knows you are out there.Sending love to you both.LaLoba

 

[Sloopie Mcguvna]

venting...

LaLoba,  God Bless you and thank you sooo much

 

[Queen V]

venting...

My grandmother (95) had a stroke just over two years ago. As time has passed she has had numerous "mini strokes" and is now in an early dementia state. She can still talk to me, but becomes very discouraged at times. Her abilities have slowly decayed and I know it will continue. When I am with her, I try to encourage her and put my intentions to making her as comfortable as I am capable of doing. If you do energy work, especially Reiki, try to do some on your father. While it may not change his condition, with the state he is in it may help to calm him emotionally, perhaps putting your intention on grounding him at this time of his life. His body has been through a lot lately, and by doing the energy work you will be able to build another connection with him. If he can still talk to you, ask him to tell you about times past. Depending on his condition, he may be able to remember old stories himself.  I know it is very hard to see him in the condition he is in, but do the best you can to be happy, smile, and tell him what is going on in your life as well as your family's lives also. Bringing him cookies, gifts, ect, is wonderful, and can lift thier spirits immensly. Although you may not know how long he will be like this, keep in mind that it is his quality of life you want to improve. Massaging him is great, he will enjoy being touched by you. Do be aware of his skin condition, however, if it is very thin it will tear very easily. Usually gentle compressions are best, nothing deep, as  you may not be sure how strong his structure is.  If the weather is nice, if he is capable, and you have the ok from the nursing home staff, take him outside to enjoy the sunshine. You'd be amazed at how much they enjoy being outside! What you also need to do too is to take care of yourself. While you did not expect this to happen to him, don't be upset with yourself for it happening. Some times we regret what we may or may not have done with or to our family memebers when things like this happen.  This is the time to let the past go, and make use of the time you have now to cement your relationship the best you can. When he does pass, you will be glad for taking the time you did, when you could, to show how much you love him. While it isn't an easy time for either one of you, you will be amazed at how much you will grow and change because of the experience you are having now. I wish you and your father all the best Luvclients. I know how hard it is for you. Peace be with you both in this time of transition.

 

[They Call Me Nardo]

venting...

Doda,  thanks so much...i wish i knew how to do energy work..i don't yet..but maybe with my intentions, i can make a difference...does the nursing home have your grandmother taking strong medicine?  I think they have my dad on something to combat his agitation and it makes him more out of it..he sleeps when i go see him..all he wants to do is sleep...your post was helpful, and i will do those things you suggest..do you massage your grandmother?  If so, does she enjoy it? (dumb question lol)thanks again

 

[fatima]

venting...

My grandfather passed away in March 2000 from melanoma which spread to his brain.  Dementia caught up to him with numerous radiation treatments.  At times, he would get very agitated because he suddenly wouldn't remember words or things confused him.  However, I didn't see this side of him much, even when things were very bad, because there was always a part of him that outwardly refused to let his grandchildren know that he was sick.. and that's the part that was the most heartbreaking.  I was 18 at the time and of course I had watched his decline helplessly, but I never let on around him, as he tried to keep a happy face when I was around.  It got very hard for me to see him in his pained state toward the end, especially since I was the child (in my grandfather's eyes) who wasn't supposed to know that her grandpa was sick.  I had to keep a happy face all the time.  My grandmother and mother took care of him until he was finally moved into a hospice.  The last time I saw him was about two weeks before he passed on - I visited him while he was in bed, with my younger sister standing by my side.  I knew he was in pain, as I had heard him groaning before I entered the room, but while I was present, he just stared at us with a warm smile.  The only, and last words, that he said to us were "You girls, you're beautiful.  I love you."  I couldn't bear to see him after that.If I had known massage then, I would have loved to help him out somehow, if my position as the emotionally-repressed 'ignorant granddaughter' had held up through it.Through the worst times in his dementia, it was always very hard.. however, there were times when I saw that old twinkle come back.  heh.  I'm crying now; I haven't cried for my grandfather since I watched my mother cry at his funeral.I guess I'm trying to say that support, and a warm smile, and any sort of comfort is the best thing that you can do.My heart goes out to you.  Give and seek comfort as much as possible during this time.Sydney

 

[Ywuhapive]

venting...

I worked with the elderly for over 10 years in nursing homes. I think that you are doing all that can be done for him. You are there supporting him and caring for him. He may not ackowledge that it is you, but down deep he knows its you and is thankful that you  are there supporting him, just like his did for you as you grew up. He is growing old and with age comes the trials. I understand what you are going through. When my grandfather got old, he started having little TIA's (miny strokes) then the parkinson's set in. He went from someone who took care of himself to someone who couldn't even feed himself. It is sad and disheartening, but I commend you for sticking with him and not being too overwhelmed by it all to do the things that matter to him, even if he doesn't show it, down deep he knows it is you. I took care of so many elderly whose family took them to the nursing home and never looked back. It is so sad, but some people can't handle the aging process for the loved ones.  YOu are very strong and I am sure that you got it from him, so keep up what you are doing and don't let the dementia effect your willingness to help in any way you can. Just talking to him is wonderful.

 

[Freda]

venting...

My father died when I was about 21.  He had a stroke and didn't even remember who I was.  The anger is part of the dementia.  Many patients have that.  Some don't.  I remember my mom saying she went to visit him at the nursing home and he got mad at her and grabbed her neck.  If the nurse hadn't come in........well, don't know what would've happened.  It was sad for me saying goodbye to him.  You think of your dad as this big powerful person.  Someone to protect you and who will always be there for you.  Believe me, when you loose your parents.......that is when you truely "grow up".  Parents are wonderful human beings.  Sometimes I wish mine were still alive to ask them questions.  Know that what you are doing will help your dad.  Relaxing and feeling touch will help him.  And remember the anger isn't about you.  So don't take it personal.  Being "like the parent" can help you repay all those wonderful things your parent did for you.  Just be there.  I've also learned that you don't always have to "learn" energy work.  We are energetic human beings.  Just trust your intuition and lay your hands on him where you feel he needs it the most.  Maybe his head.  Good luck.  Thoughts and prayers will be with you.

 

[Pompal 09.]

venting...

Luvclients,Actually we have been fortunate enough to be able to still care for her at home. I worked in a nursing home for about a year and a half and had an idea of what needed to be done. We have also been able to find home care that wasn't too expensive and she had saved up some money over the years. She lives with my parents, and the three of them had planned this over ten years ago knowing that one day it would happen. I haven't been able to massage her much, mostly her hands when I do as her skin is paper thin and I know how easily it can tear. I do try to do energy work on her however, she knows when I am doing it too, she is that sensative to the energy, but I don't think she realizes what is happening. As for strong medication, she is on antianxiety meds, bp meds, and an antidepressant. I do know that some of the meds they give patients like that may make the patient sleep more.  Some times there isn't any way to get around it, especially if the patient becomes violent or combative, but fortunately that doesn't happen too often. As for energy work, your intention is what is really needed. Before you start, try to center yourself and make yourself calm, just as you would when working on a client. When laying your hands on him, perhaps on his shoulders or his hands, think to yourself, "Become calm",  "all is well", "you are loved", or other phrases like these. Maybe even talk to him in your mind, telling him how you feel and what you want to say to him, you may be surprised with the respose you get. You may not feel anything yourself energywise, but it is your intention that will come through. Your touch alone will let him know many more things than you could possilbly say.

 

[peter 1]

venting...

I am very sorry to hear about your father.  I recently lost my father -- it was incredibly hard to watch him decline.  My advice is to touch him as much as you can and tell him you love him as often as you think to.  Hold him, touch him and talk to him.  As for the nursing home, it is crucial to get to know the regular caregivers for your father.  Understanding their tight schedules as well as understanding they are caring for a lot of others whose families seldom visit means they can be very rushed when they know you are present and helping your Dad.  Don't be afraid to ask questions about why they do the things they do.  I would also encourage you to find out who the patient advocate is and how to get in touch with him/her should you need to address any care situations that might arise that are not resolved to your satisfaction with the staff.If your father belongs to any churches or organizations it might be helpful to ask them to visit with your father during times you are not able to be there with him.  Many nursing homes have volunteers who will come in and read to the residents or help the activity directors work with the residents.  These are good people to know too.It is important to ask people for help and try not to handle the sadness and grief of what is happening to your Dad all by yourself.  I'm glad you posted here and I hope I can help you during this difficult time.  

 

[Whoaaa33]

venting...

My mother has dementia, hasn't fully recognised me for over 8 years (she was in her '60s when it started).With home nursing, community services and my visits I managed to keep her in her home for as long as was possible - I only went for the 24hr care when she could no longer manage to make a cup of tea - the only fluid she remembered to have.  Once there was no tea, she needed 24hr supervision.  During the time while she was still in her home, if I visited her by myself and went out to the laundry, she would quite often attack me when I came in the back door, she'd have forgotten I was there and not recognised me when I came back in.  I would have to take friends with me to babysit her while I was cleaning up - she almost always would say (about me) "she seems very nice, but who is she?" I got used to it fairly quickly, but whomever I took to visit with me used to find it very upsetting. They do quite often medicate them for the agitation - usually there will be other conditions like increased deafness, loss of vision, but they can't remember what it is meant to hear/sound like, so they get startled very easily if approached, and very often will lash out.  Just like kids in a school yard, they will suddenly stop liking someone and will do things like trip another resident. It's hard to tell if medication makes them sleepy or if it is the dementia progressing. My mother has now pretty much reverted to being a baby, can't speak, can't walk, can't feed herself, on pureed food, etc.   I can't even remember the last time I saw a glimmer of recognition.It sounds cruel, but I hope you don't have 8 more years of this.  You're doing a lot of grieving now for the person you've already lost for most of the time. That's probably the hardest things for anyelse to understand - you're sort of going through all the emotions of a death, but there has been no death and it goes on for longer than going through a funeral and being able to move on. You have to look after yourself, you need a bit of your life to look after you.  You say you visit EVERY day - try and give yourself a day off each weekend - there are usually other visitors to the facility on the weekend, that's probably enough stimulation.  Give yourself a break so you don't get drained so much there is nothing left for your father. For a cathartic experience, watch the movie "The Notebook"

 

[BMT]

venting...

Luvclients, thank you for sharing.  My heart is so full of love and ache for you.  I agree with Loba.  He's in there, and he knows.   I know that guilt is so powerful.  It can seem so inconquerable.  But if you exonorate yourself, you can be free to live in the present with him.My heart goes out to you. Bless you and yours.